Grief, Your Emotions, and Not Knowing Where To Begin

How can we deal with grief in a way that is healthy and that may actually lead to a transformation of our character and our faith?

The first step is not to minimize our feelings of anger, sadness, and pain.

We may try to push them aside or deny they are even there, but in reality, these feelings are just buried alive and will come out at a time and in a manner that is much more detrimental and explosive than if we had acknowledged them in the first place. We need to own our feelings, express them, and not be ashamed of them.

The next step is to understand and accept our limits.

Contrary to what culture would have us believe, we are not in control. Our lives are seriously limited by our physical body and health, by the family we were born into, by our intellectual capacity, and, most of all, by our spiritual understanding. Men and women in our culture are led to believe that they have control and that they understand everything, but we have to know that some things will remain a mystery. Some things just won’t turn out how you imagined, expected, were encouraged early on that they would. And that’s so unpleasant and uncomfortable to sit with.

Grief is not just the big losses: the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, etc. Grief is also the loss of the life you expected you’d have. The loss of a skill or strength you once had. Even the loss of who you once were.

Once we understand our limits and the fact that loss and death are part of our lives, we can get to work on the most important step: letting our grief bless us.

Did that last sentence just turn your stomach? I know. I get it.

But our grief is there to be a powerful friend. A reminder to ourselves of what matters, what gives life, what offends, what is most important. If we let it, yes, grief can be a blessing and a friend.

So if you find yourself in a life transition or a situation where you are now recognizing the grief that is causing the discomfort, try opening yourself up to the idea of grief counseling. And if you are concerned that you won’t know where to begin in grief counseling - whether for the loss of your whole world, or for the loss of something ambiguous or hidden in the secret places within yourself - remember that your therapist can help you with where to begin.

Your counseling session is your own. You don’t need to feel insecure or pressured to know exactly what you want to talk about right off the bat in counseling. Your therapist can handle whatever it is you want to process and work through, and can even help you define your therapeutic goals.

Or, maybe you’re just feeling strange because you’re not really an external processor but you know you need to process your trauma. We are there to help with that. We can sit with your silence and we are strong enough to hold your labyrinth of thoughts. That’s our job. And it’s a privilege to sit with you in your intimate healing.

Be gentle with yourself and lean into us therapists during your journey.

And PS: I’ve heard from some of our shyer clients that it can help to meet virtually with a therapist because there isn’t as much perceived pressure to fulfill certain social obligations. Maybe try an online session and see if that frees you up a bit. We’ll be ready to greet you on your way in through our doors. Let’s get started.