Let’s Talk About…Our Self-Talk
One thing we work on often in therapy is noticing the inner critic, and greeting her with curiosity (I’m using “her” just because it's coming from my point of view. While you read this as a male, change the hers for hims, etc.)
For some, curiosity might sound like asking yourself:
Where is this coming from?
What does she want me to be aware of?
How can I offer grace to myself here?
Criticism feels an awful lot like inner turbulence and may even sound like things you would never say to a friend or loved one.
Things like:
I’m such an idiot, I can’t believe I did that again.
God, I hate myself.
This is why I suck.
This is why no one will ever love me.
Whew.
Could you imagine ever saying these things to someone you love? And certainly if you can, that’s a pretty big indication that that relationship is likely not healthy or safe. That’s pretty big: realizing our self talk can be an indication that our relationship with ourselves may not be healthy or safe. If that’s true, it would make a lot of sense that you may often feel like you’re struggling.
You are the one and only you that you are ever going to have. It’s so important that we speak to ourselves and let our inner dialogue/self talk sound like we are speaking to a friend. No one will be as close to you as you are, so it’s important to make sure that relationship is kind, healthy, and fortified.
Greet yourself, your flaws, your inner critic with curiosity rather than criticism next time and see how that might begin to change the relationship you have with yourself. This adjustment will take time, and it may not feel genuine at the beginning. That’s okay- you’re healing a hurting relationship.
Go slow.
Give grace.
Keep going.
And reach to get started in counseling if you’re looking for help!
Let’s Talk About Anxiety
You know what we love to talk about? Anxiety.
So let’s give that topic a few minutes of our care and attention.
Anxious thoughts, for example, can be seen as trains that come and go through a station. Sometimes we can just stand on the platform and watch the train go by, while other times we may want to get on the train and ride it for a very long time. But we get to decide if we let our train pass or if it stops for a while. This is hard work, but definitely good work if we struggle with anxiety.
Try observing or getting curious about your anxiety rather than getting lost in the experience of your anxiety. Not trying to diagnose the situation or even trying to fix yourself. Just mindfully observing your anxiety in real time.
When your mind has anxious thoughts, it’s just trying to protect you by predicting what could happen. But it’s important to remember that just because something could happen doesn’t mean that it will or that it already has (like when we sometimes believe we can read a person’s mind). So next time you begin noticing your anxiety has paid you a visit again, try observing it with curiosity and then letting your train (the thoughts) pass your station without getting on.
Consider this a little experiment. How did it feel? How long did the anxious feeling last? Did you act on your anxiety or were you able to simply observe it?
Pay attention to what your body is telling you. Where are you holding tension? What sensations do you feel in your body?
Our mind and our bodies are interconnected and they absolutely work together for our good, delivering messages in a variety of different ways. Isn’t that incredible to think about?
For me, the first place I feel sensations is in my chest and stomach. When these two places feel uneasy, I know I need to pay close attention and check in with myself about what I’m worried about or what unpleasant thoughts I’m holding on to.
Our bodies are powerful and they absolutely tell us what they need. When we give ourselves opportunities to slow down and pay attention to them, they often reveal that there’s something more specific going on inside our minds. In fact, this is exactly why meditating does not come easy to most people. Meditating, or clearing your mind and focusing on your breathing or on a specific scripture, almost forces yourself to pay attention to what your body has to say. And often that’s when a person might feel the unpleasant stomach, chest, etc sensations. That’s the body saying “pay attention to me, I have something to say.” And many of us have gotten used to avoiding what our body is telling us because it’s hard to feel it and listen to it.
Try this, lay on your bed and look up at your ceiling. Find a 10-20 minute guided meditation on YouTube and see what comes up for you during this time. Maybe it’ll be an easy relaxation time for you, or maybe it’ll be a challenge to stick with it for the whole 20 minutes. Either way, it can be a chance to grow and might even reveal something to you that your body wants you to know.
Alexandra Thompson, LCSW
Executive Director