Someone will always have it worse than you.
Hello Friend,
Are you familiar with Survivors’ Guilt? It’s when feelings of guilt arise because you made it through something very difficult or traumatic that others were more negatively affected by. We all know the idea of “surviving a car crash when the passenger did not.” Or “beating the very same form of cancer that your family member or friend did not.” This is how most of us relate to Survivor’s Guilt.
But did you know that Survivors’ Guilt can creep up in more subtle ways? You might even be feeling some Survivors’ Guilt right now – in our current political climate.
Subtle Forms of Survivors’ Guilt:
1. In the event that you survived ongoing family trauma - perhaps your sibling outwardly struggles much harder than you do. Maybe the sibling now struggles with mental health issues, addiction, life-stability issues or ongoing relationship difficulties.
2. Believing that you are not allowed to grieve or process going through a hard time simply because someone will always have it worse than you.
Allow me to share a story from this second example above. I’ll set the stage.
It’s a Monday morning. I’m rushed. My three year old is acting, well, three years old. I somehow arrive at my office with no laptop OR cell phone. It works out because I’m in in-person meetings most of the morning. One meeting happens to be a working lunch and I offer to pick up the delicious Chick-fil-A we chose to accompany our time together. Driving back I somehowforget to “mom-seatbelt” the meal I had sitting on the seat next to me as I brake for a red light. The entire contents of my colleague’s diet lemonade spill onto my car’s floorboard (I mean, not a drop left). Other things go flying into the puddle.
I arrive at the meeting, late. I am a hot mess. I proceed to share with my colleagues the Monday morning I’ve had so far with a final punctuation of “I mean, isn’t that a pretty terrible Monday?” There was laughter and empathy. But then the gentle remark came out: “but given the circumstances in Ukraine right now, I should have nothing to complain about.”
Friend. That statement is equally true and wrong.
It’s terrible what is happening in Ukraine. Full stop.
We mourn, lament, cry out and plead with God to protect His people and let justice rain.
And friend. Your grief, your pain, the wounds you are working so hard on healing are still valid. Your pain is still real. Yes, someone will always have it worse than you. And that doesn’t mean that what you are going through isn’t also hard.
A simple example I give in counseling sometimes is this: If you and a friend were in the same car accident and as a result, you lost a foot and they lost their leg, well, you still lost your foot.
Focus on sincere gratitude. Mourn and pray for others. Invest in your own healing.
We’d love to hear your thoughts about this timely and perhaps controversial subject. Email a reply to this letter any time. And if this felt like a tap on the shoulder to invest in your own healing, visit our website and get started with one of our therapists any time.
Warmly,
Alexandra Thompson, LCSW, and the Cumberland Counseling Team
